As the title suggests, I saw "Fast Five". Drunk. Having nothing better to do on a Saturday, I suggested to my friends that we might as well do a Brew-N-View. For those of you who do not know what a BNV is, it is the apex of cinema shenanigans. For such a wondrous event to happen, you need a few key ingredients: a group of friends, a semi-decent movie, and a whole lot of beer. Luckily for me, the nearest theater is right next to a Buffalo Wild Wings. I get my brew on, stumble over to the theater, and slowly return to sobriety as the movie progresses. It is a straightforward tradition that makes shitty movies somewhat more bearable. Or so I thought.
You see, I assumed (with good reason) that FF would be a total clusterfuck. Sure, it'd have some sweet special effects and a nice mixture of Vin Diesel-on-the Rock(s), but I wouldn't have believed that these things would make a movie worthwhile. Not only was the movie fantastic, but it fulfilled every drunk fantasy I, or anyone, could have.
1. Mackin' on Hot Chicks
If you go to a bar for all of 3 seconds, you will see hot chicks being hit on men of all ages. Alcohol has a magic effect on us, in that it helps us turn those awkward dances we had in grade school to a grand ole' night of drunk fucking. It is a powerful aphrodisiac. In short, alcohol gets ugly guys laid with hot babes. Well, we'd like to believe that anyway.
Sure, every now and then, some ugly fuck is lucky enough to score a girl far above his station. To that guy, well done! However, the majority of men are still rejected by those beautiful pleasure portals. Sure, Blue Moon makes us believe we are hot shit, but more often than not, we are just making an ass out of ourselves in front of women who will never sleep with us. Enter FF.
For approximately 2 hours, we are inundated with gorgeous women who actually take off their clothes in front of us. They don't turn us down or have their 4-popped collar frat douche boyfriend pump his chest in our faces. Nope, nothing like that at all. Instead, we are allowed to remain in this heavenly zone and dream what it would be like to bang the shit out of these girls. We know that it would be the best two minutes of our lives.
2. Drunk Driving
Any sober person can look on this topic with disgust. I mean, who, in their right mind, would do something as retarded as driving around while incapacitated? Well, you probably do. Your friends probably do. In fact, most of the people you know have probably done it. Why? Because we know that we are the king of the world when we stumble into our cars while being 10 beers deep. And, it's also kinda fun.
Unfortunately, driving drunk kills and injures a lot of people. Well, duh. Driving around while having booze sloshing around in our systems is a bad idea because it often ends up creating human pancakes. Thankfully, there is now and answer for that rush you seek.
From start to finish, FF is an adrenaline rush that is so intense, it will leave you satisfied for weeks. In the span of the movie, you get to crash, race, steal cars, race, crash, steal money, crash, have driving gun battles, crash, run others off the road, watch them crash, and lastly, you get to drive REALLY FUCKING FAST! You get to experience every single one of our inane desires, and there isn't a single consequence. For only a few dollars, you get to do more car-related shit than you will ever do in real life. And it's legal. You won't ever have to worry about making mothers M.A.D.D again!
3. Your Boss Finally Gets Some Karmic Justice
You know your boss? That guy who yells at you to do your job, but seemingly never does shit? And he gets paid more?! Well fuck him. Yeah, you know it. That guy is a dick, and guys like him deserve some pretty nasty things.
I mean, let's face it: most of our bosses are assholes and we wish ill of them. In fact, 50% (or more) of the reason you are at the bar in the first place is to relax after a long day of getting the shit screamed out of you. All that negativity gets a man down, and nothing brings him back up like a couple of cold ones.
That's right. Your boss is the reason you make an ass out of yourself in front of that hot blonde with great tits before driving your car into a wall. What a douche. Clearly, someone should do something bad to him. But, as much as we love bitching about our bosses, we will never experience that rush of sticking it to The Man. Thankfully, FF provides us with a remedy.
You see, Vin doesn't like The Man either. Luckily for Vin, he doesn't have to worry about his job. His job is muscles. And he's damn good at it. Yes, Vin punches, shoots, drives, crushes, and pummels the living shit out of The Man. In fact, not only does he sever The Man's connection to the good life, he leaves that fucker stone-cold dead by the end. Is there a more satisfying outcome? No. Score one for the little guy, ding ding!
So there you have it. FF is the greatest drunk movie ever because it fulfills our every desire. We go into the film with the assumption that it's going to suck, but we leave as gods would. We destroy our boss, fuck his smokin' hot wife, and then drive away at super high speeds with all of his money to start a better life for ourselves. Mission. Fucking. Accomplished.
Alright, time to become re-acquainted with my toilet. Later.
