As the title suggests, I saw "Fast Five". Drunk. Having nothing better to do on a Saturday, I suggested to my friends that we might as well do a Brew-N-View. For those of you who do not know what a BNV is, it is the apex of cinema shenanigans. For such a wondrous event to happen, you need a few key ingredients: a group of friends, a semi-decent movie, and a whole lot of beer. Luckily for me, the nearest theater is right next to a Buffalo Wild Wings. I get my brew on, stumble over to the theater, and slowly return to sobriety as the movie progresses. It is a straightforward tradition that makes shitty movies somewhat more bearable. Or so I thought.
You see, I assumed (with good reason) that FF would be a total clusterfuck. Sure, it'd have some sweet special effects and a nice mixture of Vin Diesel-on-the Rock(s), but I wouldn't have believed that these things would make a movie worthwhile. Not only was the movie fantastic, but it fulfilled every drunk fantasy I, or anyone, could have.
1. Mackin' on Hot Chicks
If you go to a bar for all of 3 seconds, you will see hot chicks being hit on men of all ages. Alcohol has a magic effect on us, in that it helps us turn those awkward dances we had in grade school to a grand ole' night of drunk fucking. It is a powerful aphrodisiac. In short, alcohol gets ugly guys laid with hot babes. Well, we'd like to believe that anyway.
Sure, every now and then, some ugly fuck is lucky enough to score a girl far above his station. To that guy, well done! However, the majority of men are still rejected by those beautiful pleasure portals. Sure, Blue Moon makes us believe we are hot shit, but more often than not, we are just making an ass out of ourselves in front of women who will never sleep with us. Enter FF.
For approximately 2 hours, we are inundated with gorgeous women who actually take off their clothes in front of us. They don't turn us down or have their 4-popped collar frat douche boyfriend pump his chest in our faces. Nope, nothing like that at all. Instead, we are allowed to remain in this heavenly zone and dream what it would be like to bang the shit out of these girls. We know that it would be the best two minutes of our lives.
2. Drunk Driving
Any sober person can look on this topic with disgust. I mean, who, in their right mind, would do something as retarded as driving around while incapacitated? Well, you probably do. Your friends probably do. In fact, most of the people you know have probably done it. Why? Because we know that we are the king of the world when we stumble into our cars while being 10 beers deep. And, it's also kinda fun.
Unfortunately, driving drunk kills and injures a lot of people. Well, duh. Driving around while having booze sloshing around in our systems is a bad idea because it often ends up creating human pancakes. Thankfully, there is now and answer for that rush you seek.
From start to finish, FF is an adrenaline rush that is so intense, it will leave you satisfied for weeks. In the span of the movie, you get to crash, race, steal cars, race, crash, steal money, crash, have driving gun battles, crash, run others off the road, watch them crash, and lastly, you get to drive REALLY FUCKING FAST! You get to experience every single one of our inane desires, and there isn't a single consequence. For only a few dollars, you get to do more car-related shit than you will ever do in real life. And it's legal. You won't ever have to worry about making mothers M.A.D.D again!
3. Your Boss Finally Gets Some Karmic Justice
You know your boss? That guy who yells at you to do your job, but seemingly never does shit? And he gets paid more?! Well fuck him. Yeah, you know it. That guy is a dick, and guys like him deserve some pretty nasty things.
I mean, let's face it: most of our bosses are assholes and we wish ill of them. In fact, 50% (or more) of the reason you are at the bar in the first place is to relax after a long day of getting the shit screamed out of you. All that negativity gets a man down, and nothing brings him back up like a couple of cold ones.
That's right. Your boss is the reason you make an ass out of yourself in front of that hot blonde with great tits before driving your car into a wall. What a douche. Clearly, someone should do something bad to him. But, as much as we love bitching about our bosses, we will never experience that rush of sticking it to The Man. Thankfully, FF provides us with a remedy.
You see, Vin doesn't like The Man either. Luckily for Vin, he doesn't have to worry about his job. His job is muscles. And he's damn good at it. Yes, Vin punches, shoots, drives, crushes, and pummels the living shit out of The Man. In fact, not only does he sever The Man's connection to the good life, he leaves that fucker stone-cold dead by the end. Is there a more satisfying outcome? No. Score one for the little guy, ding ding!
So there you have it. FF is the greatest drunk movie ever because it fulfills our every desire. We go into the film with the assumption that it's going to suck, but we leave as gods would. We destroy our boss, fuck his smokin' hot wife, and then drive away at super high speeds with all of his money to start a better life for ourselves. Mission. Fucking. Accomplished.
Alright, time to become re-acquainted with my toilet. Later.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
You know how they say you can't live without love? Well oxygen is even more important.
Hey, it's me again. I'm back. Yeah, yeah, I know. I've been busy, ok? That booze wasn't going to drink itself, you know.
Anyway, I've had a very busy couple of weeks. Completely filled with school, work, and boozing. Unfortunately, I've had the extreme bad luck of running into a few situations that annoyed me to the point that I decided to mess with some people. Therefore, I thought I might share a few conversations I've had with people (I use this term loosely) over the last couple of weeks.
1. That 6 a.m. Retard
*cellphone rings*
Me: (half-asleep) Hello?
Retard: Uh..hi. Is Tanya there?
Me: Better question: do you have any idea what fucking time it is?
Retard: I'm very sorry, but I'm trying to reach my daughter. Is she there?
Me: Listen lady, I don't pay hookers to give me their name.
Retard: ...............
Me: Also, you have the wrong number. Fuck off.
2. That Fucking Customer
***Side-note: Before I write this verbal exchange, I find it necessary to tell you that I absolutely hate customers who look at your name-tag and automatically assume that you guys are chums and that they are on a first name basis with you.***
Me: Hi welcome to Gaymart, how are you?
Fucking Customer: Hi Legate! Can I call you Legate?
Me: No.
FC: I'm having a wonderful day, Legate. How about you?
Me: Don't get too excited, it's just Gaymart.
FC: Well you work here. Why don't you like it?
Me: I'm only here to help pay off school.
FC: Oh Legate, that's wonderful! What's your major?
Me: Are you serious? You are, aren't you. Well, I'm an English major with a Biology minor.
FC: How interesting, Legate. What do you plan on doing with that? Probably not Gaymart, haha! No, I imagine you writing a novel or your own column in a newspaper.
Me: I WANT TO BREED LLAMAS!
FC: But llamas spit!
Me: So do 50% of women. And frankly, llamas bitch a lot less. It's like a 2-for-1 deal! Hey, where are you going? Don't forget your bag!
3. That Fat Fuck At The Gas Station
Fat Fuck: (stands in front of the register and rubs his knee for 5 min while creating a line behind him)
Me: Sports related injury?
FF: Oh, I'm not--
Me: Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don't worry, it's new. You'll catch up sooner or later.
4. That Fucking Classmate
Fucking Classmate: Hey, how'd you do on the test? Do you need the curve as badly as I do?
Me: I got a 98%
FC: WHAT THE FUCK?! Why would he promise us a curve when he knows full well that you're just gonna fuck it all up?!
Me: Yeah, what a dick. Who does that?
FC: Can I study with you for the next test?
Me: No. I don't study for these tests. Seriously, I just drink a couple beers first and hope I show up on time to take them.
FC: You have to be kidding me...I study my ass off and you just come in and ace the damn thing?
Me: I am Shiva, Destroyer of Curves!
5. That Fucking Doctor
Fucking Doctor: Well now, what seems to be the problem?
Me: Well, doc, I've come down with a nasty sore throat, and my roommate just got diagnosed with Strep earlier this week. I'd like you to run the Rapid Strep test along with the Not-So-Rapid Strep test.
FD: Why? The rapid one is 99.9% accurate.
Me: Yeah, that's not true. The last time I had Strep, you silly fucks didn't diagnose it until the 4th time I came in. I had a very rare strain that was only detected in the LONG test. Do you see why I'm asking for that again?
FD: But...it's 99.9% accurate.
Me: Ok, Dr. Dickhead. Are you good with numbers? Because, I think not. Your rapid test failed 3 times in a row. So, either statistics really hate me, or your estimated success rate is complete horse-shit. Occam's Razor says that you're a moron.
FD: Well, if you're going to waste my time with that, might as well run some blood tests for Mono.
Me: Did you even read my chart? I've already had Mono. Jesus! Why don't you do us both a favor and just write me a script for some antibiotics. Lord knows you idiots over-prescribe that shit anyway.
6. That Other Fat Fuck At Gaymart
FF: Hey, Le--
Me: Don't.
FF: What's wrong, Le--
Me: No.
FF: Why can't I call you by your first name, Leg--
Me: Were you in Star Wars? Because you look EXACTLY like Jabba the Hutt!!
FF: (realization slowly dawns and tears begin to flow)
Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 3!! THERE'S LOW SELF-ESTEEM ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
Unfortunately, these are only a few of the idiotic conversations I'm forced to have with people.
Anyway, I've had a very busy couple of weeks. Completely filled with school, work, and boozing. Unfortunately, I've had the extreme bad luck of running into a few situations that annoyed me to the point that I decided to mess with some people. Therefore, I thought I might share a few conversations I've had with people (I use this term loosely) over the last couple of weeks.
1. That 6 a.m. Retard
*cellphone rings*
Me: (half-asleep) Hello?
Retard: Uh..hi. Is Tanya there?
Me: Better question: do you have any idea what fucking time it is?
Retard: I'm very sorry, but I'm trying to reach my daughter. Is she there?
Me: Listen lady, I don't pay hookers to give me their name.
Retard: ...............
Me: Also, you have the wrong number. Fuck off.
2. That Fucking Customer
***Side-note: Before I write this verbal exchange, I find it necessary to tell you that I absolutely hate customers who look at your name-tag and automatically assume that you guys are chums and that they are on a first name basis with you.***
Me: Hi welcome to Gaymart, how are you?
Fucking Customer: Hi Legate! Can I call you Legate?
Me: No.
FC: I'm having a wonderful day, Legate. How about you?
Me: Don't get too excited, it's just Gaymart.
FC: Well you work here. Why don't you like it?
Me: I'm only here to help pay off school.
FC: Oh Legate, that's wonderful! What's your major?
Me: Are you serious? You are, aren't you. Well, I'm an English major with a Biology minor.
FC: How interesting, Legate. What do you plan on doing with that? Probably not Gaymart, haha! No, I imagine you writing a novel or your own column in a newspaper.
Me: I WANT TO BREED LLAMAS!
FC: But llamas spit!
Me: So do 50% of women. And frankly, llamas bitch a lot less. It's like a 2-for-1 deal! Hey, where are you going? Don't forget your bag!
3. That Fat Fuck At The Gas Station
Fat Fuck: (stands in front of the register and rubs his knee for 5 min while creating a line behind him)
Me: Sports related injury?
FF: Oh, I'm not--
Me: Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don't worry, it's new. You'll catch up sooner or later.
4. That Fucking Classmate
Fucking Classmate: Hey, how'd you do on the test? Do you need the curve as badly as I do?
Me: I got a 98%
FC: WHAT THE FUCK?! Why would he promise us a curve when he knows full well that you're just gonna fuck it all up?!
Me: Yeah, what a dick. Who does that?
FC: Can I study with you for the next test?
Me: No. I don't study for these tests. Seriously, I just drink a couple beers first and hope I show up on time to take them.
FC: You have to be kidding me...I study my ass off and you just come in and ace the damn thing?
Me: I am Shiva, Destroyer of Curves!
5. That Fucking Doctor
Fucking Doctor: Well now, what seems to be the problem?
Me: Well, doc, I've come down with a nasty sore throat, and my roommate just got diagnosed with Strep earlier this week. I'd like you to run the Rapid Strep test along with the Not-So-Rapid Strep test.
FD: Why? The rapid one is 99.9% accurate.
Me: Yeah, that's not true. The last time I had Strep, you silly fucks didn't diagnose it until the 4th time I came in. I had a very rare strain that was only detected in the LONG test. Do you see why I'm asking for that again?
FD: But...it's 99.9% accurate.
Me: Ok, Dr. Dickhead. Are you good with numbers? Because, I think not. Your rapid test failed 3 times in a row. So, either statistics really hate me, or your estimated success rate is complete horse-shit. Occam's Razor says that you're a moron.
FD: Well, if you're going to waste my time with that, might as well run some blood tests for Mono.
Me: Did you even read my chart? I've already had Mono. Jesus! Why don't you do us both a favor and just write me a script for some antibiotics. Lord knows you idiots over-prescribe that shit anyway.
6. That Other Fat Fuck At Gaymart
FF: Hey, Le--
Me: Don't.
FF: What's wrong, Le--
Me: No.
FF: Why can't I call you by your first name, Leg--
Me: Were you in Star Wars? Because you look EXACTLY like Jabba the Hutt!!
FF: (realization slowly dawns and tears begin to flow)
Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 3!! THERE'S LOW SELF-ESTEEM ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
Unfortunately, these are only a few of the idiotic conversations I'm forced to have with people.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
There comes a time in every young man's life...
For years, my friends have consistently bugged me about writing a blog. While the idea certainly appealed to my enlarged ego, I always viewed the people who wrote blogs as self-important and pretentious jackasses. Like, the kind of people who go to wine and cheese parties and use the word "symposium". I never really viewed myself as such a douchebag, however, in an effort to get my friends to shut the fuck up, I have finally succumbed to peer pressure and have created this. So, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
The most important thing you will realize about me is that I tend to be a bit of an asshole. I absolutely abhor being wrong because it equates me with being stupid. And the one thing I hate most in life is stupidity (Sarah Palin is a prime example of this). As you have probably already noticed, I am also very crude, and I shall remain so for the duration of this little social experiment. With that being said, welcome to the first blog of Legatus.
For those of you who don't know much about history, the term Legatus comes from ancient Rome. Way back when, there was a very high-ranking title called the Praetor. These men held power similar to our Chief Justice, Speaker of the House, and so on and so forth. You get the idea: these men were pretty fucking powerful. Wikipedia describes them as, " two with the authority of the king, and let them be called praetors, judges and consuls from their going before, judging and consulting. Let them have the supreme right of command of the military..." See? You just didn't mess with these fuckers. The ones that were the generals of the military had a secondary title of Legatus. Thus, I adopt this title for my own and Praetorian for the name of this blog.
Now that you know that a Praetor is someone that judges and consults, you have probably figured out what I plan to do with this. If you haven't, I'll explain it to you anyway. For the most part, I will be judging and consulting. Human inconsistencies in thought and actions annoy me, which I will dissect here from time to time. On other occasions, I may share things with you to hear your input. I can't truly say what all I will put on here (other than that it will probably be mildly offensive), as I have never written a blog before. I will not update this daily, because I have a life. My goal is to blog a couple times a week, but I'm sure there will be weeks where I won't write anything at all. So, don't get your panties in a bunch if I haven't gotten on in a while. I'll let you know right now that I just don't fucking care. I'll write when I want to, and you'll love it. End of story.
With that being said, it is time to end this for now. I have a long day of class and work tomorrow, and I need my beauty sleep. I'll be back in a few days.
The most important thing you will realize about me is that I tend to be a bit of an asshole. I absolutely abhor being wrong because it equates me with being stupid. And the one thing I hate most in life is stupidity (Sarah Palin is a prime example of this). As you have probably already noticed, I am also very crude, and I shall remain so for the duration of this little social experiment. With that being said, welcome to the first blog of Legatus.
For those of you who don't know much about history, the term Legatus comes from ancient Rome. Way back when, there was a very high-ranking title called the Praetor. These men held power similar to our Chief Justice, Speaker of the House, and so on and so forth. You get the idea: these men were pretty fucking powerful. Wikipedia describes them as, " two with the authority of the king, and let them be called praetors, judges and consuls from their going before, judging and consulting. Let them have the supreme right of command of the military..." See? You just didn't mess with these fuckers. The ones that were the generals of the military had a secondary title of Legatus. Thus, I adopt this title for my own and Praetorian for the name of this blog.
Now that you know that a Praetor is someone that judges and consults, you have probably figured out what I plan to do with this. If you haven't, I'll explain it to you anyway. For the most part, I will be judging and consulting. Human inconsistencies in thought and actions annoy me, which I will dissect here from time to time. On other occasions, I may share things with you to hear your input. I can't truly say what all I will put on here (other than that it will probably be mildly offensive), as I have never written a blog before. I will not update this daily, because I have a life. My goal is to blog a couple times a week, but I'm sure there will be weeks where I won't write anything at all. So, don't get your panties in a bunch if I haven't gotten on in a while. I'll let you know right now that I just don't fucking care. I'll write when I want to, and you'll love it. End of story.
With that being said, it is time to end this for now. I have a long day of class and work tomorrow, and I need my beauty sleep. I'll be back in a few days.
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