Hey, it's me again. I'm back. Yeah, yeah, I know. I've been busy, ok? That booze wasn't going to drink itself, you know.
Anyway, I've had a very busy couple of weeks. Completely filled with school, work, and boozing. Unfortunately, I've had the extreme bad luck of running into a few situations that annoyed me to the point that I decided to mess with some people. Therefore, I thought I might share a few conversations I've had with people (I use this term loosely) over the last couple of weeks.
1. That 6 a.m. Retard
*cellphone rings*
Me: (half-asleep) Hello?
Retard: Uh..hi. Is Tanya there?
Me: Better question: do you have any idea what fucking time it is?
Retard: I'm very sorry, but I'm trying to reach my daughter. Is she there?
Me: Listen lady, I don't pay hookers to give me their name.
Retard: ...............
Me: Also, you have the wrong number. Fuck off.
2. That Fucking Customer
***Side-note: Before I write this verbal exchange, I find it necessary to tell you that I absolutely hate customers who look at your name-tag and automatically assume that you guys are chums and that they are on a first name basis with you.***
Me: Hi welcome to Gaymart, how are you?
Fucking Customer: Hi Legate! Can I call you Legate?
Me: No.
FC: I'm having a wonderful day, Legate. How about you?
Me: Don't get too excited, it's just Gaymart.
FC: Well you work here. Why don't you like it?
Me: I'm only here to help pay off school.
FC: Oh Legate, that's wonderful! What's your major?
Me: Are you serious? You are, aren't you. Well, I'm an English major with a Biology minor.
FC: How interesting, Legate. What do you plan on doing with that? Probably not Gaymart, haha! No, I imagine you writing a novel or your own column in a newspaper.
Me: I WANT TO BREED LLAMAS!
FC: But llamas spit!
Me: So do 50% of women. And frankly, llamas bitch a lot less. It's like a 2-for-1 deal! Hey, where are you going? Don't forget your bag!
3. That Fat Fuck At The Gas Station
Fat Fuck: (stands in front of the register and rubs his knee for 5 min while creating a line behind him)
Me: Sports related injury?
FF: Oh, I'm not--
Me: Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don't worry, it's new. You'll catch up sooner or later.
4. That Fucking Classmate
Fucking Classmate: Hey, how'd you do on the test? Do you need the curve as badly as I do?
Me: I got a 98%
FC: WHAT THE FUCK?! Why would he promise us a curve when he knows full well that you're just gonna fuck it all up?!
Me: Yeah, what a dick. Who does that?
FC: Can I study with you for the next test?
Me: No. I don't study for these tests. Seriously, I just drink a couple beers first and hope I show up on time to take them.
FC: You have to be kidding me...I study my ass off and you just come in and ace the damn thing?
Me: I am Shiva, Destroyer of Curves!
5. That Fucking Doctor
Fucking Doctor: Well now, what seems to be the problem?
Me: Well, doc, I've come down with a nasty sore throat, and my roommate just got diagnosed with Strep earlier this week. I'd like you to run the Rapid Strep test along with the Not-So-Rapid Strep test.
FD: Why? The rapid one is 99.9% accurate.
Me: Yeah, that's not true. The last time I had Strep, you silly fucks didn't diagnose it until the 4th time I came in. I had a very rare strain that was only detected in the LONG test. Do you see why I'm asking for that again?
FD: But...it's 99.9% accurate.
Me: Ok, Dr. Dickhead. Are you good with numbers? Because, I think not. Your rapid test failed 3 times in a row. So, either statistics really hate me, or your estimated success rate is complete horse-shit. Occam's Razor says that you're a moron.
FD: Well, if you're going to waste my time with that, might as well run some blood tests for Mono.
Me: Did you even read my chart? I've already had Mono. Jesus! Why don't you do us both a favor and just write me a script for some antibiotics. Lord knows you idiots over-prescribe that shit anyway.
6. That Other Fat Fuck At Gaymart
FF: Hey, Le--
Me: Don't.
FF: What's wrong, Le--
Me: No.
FF: Why can't I call you by your first name, Leg--
Me: Were you in Star Wars? Because you look EXACTLY like Jabba the Hutt!!
FF: (realization slowly dawns and tears begin to flow)
Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 3!! THERE'S LOW SELF-ESTEEM ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
Unfortunately, these are only a few of the idiotic conversations I'm forced to have with people.
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